PDF Ebook Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy
Now, how do you recognize where to acquire this publication Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Never ever mind, now you could not visit guide shop under the brilliant sun or night to search the publication Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy We here consistently assist you to discover hundreds kinds of e-book. Among them is this book qualified Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy You may go to the web link page provided in this collection and afterwards choose downloading. It will not take more times. Merely attach to your internet accessibility as well as you could access the e-book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy online. Obviously, after downloading and install Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy, you could not publish it.
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy
PDF Ebook Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy
Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy. In what instance do you like reading a lot? What regarding the kind of guide Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy The have to review? Well, everybody has their own reason should review some publications Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Primarily, it will certainly relate to their necessity to obtain expertise from the book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy as well as intend to review just to obtain home entertainment. Stories, tale e-book, and other amusing e-books end up being so preferred this day. Besides, the scientific publications will certainly likewise be the finest need to pick, particularly for the pupils, instructors, doctors, business person, and various other occupations which love reading.
For everybody, if you intend to start joining with others to review a book, this Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy is much recommended. And also you should obtain the book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy right here, in the web link download that we supply. Why should be here? If you really want various other kind of books, you will certainly consistently discover them as well as Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Economics, national politics, social, sciences, faiths, Fictions, and also more publications are provided. These available books remain in the soft documents.
Why should soft file? As this Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy, lots of people likewise will have to buy the book quicker. However, sometimes it's so far way to get the book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy, even in various other country or city. So, to alleviate you in discovering the books Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy that will assist you, we assist you by offering the lists. It's not only the list. We will give the advised book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy web link that can be downloaded and install directly. So, it will not need even more times or even days to posture it and various other publications.
Gather guide Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy start from currently. But the new means is by gathering the soft data of guide Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Taking the soft data can be saved or stored in computer or in your laptop. So, it can be greater than a book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy that you have. The most convenient way to reveal is that you can additionally conserve the soft documents of Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy in your ideal as well as offered gizmo. This condition will suppose you too often review Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy in the leisures more than talking or gossiping. It will certainly not make you have bad habit, however it will certainly lead you to have better behavior to check out book Let's Panic About Babies!: How To Endure And Possibly Triumph Over The Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy.
BABIES. Maybe you're thinking of having one. There might even be one inside you right now, draining nutrients from your system via a tube growing from its midsection. Or maybe you've already got one around the house, somewhere, and you're responsible for its continued survival. You're saddled with a helpless being whom you've agreed to house and feed and love with all your heart for the rest of your life, more or less.
Either way, you're confused, you're frightened, and 911 won't take your calls anymore. But don't despair! Let's Panic About Babies! is here to hold your hand and answer some important, age-old baby-related questions, including:
- How can I be sure I'm pregnant? (Torso swells gradually until baby falls into underpants.)
- Did I just pee myself? (Yes.)
- What happens if I have sex during my pregnancy? (Your baby will be born with a full, lush beard.)
- How can I tell if I've chosen the wrong pediatrician? (He/she can't pronounce "stethoscope.")
- How do I make sure my baby loves me back? (Voodoo.)
From the moment they're created until the day they steal our cars, our babies demand center stage in our lives. So join Alice and Eden as they tell you (and your lucky partner!) exactly what to think and feel and do, from morning sickness to baby's first steps. They know everything!
- Sales Rank: #150614 in Books
- Published on: 2011-03-01
- Released on: 2011-03-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.98" h x .69" w x 8.05" l, 1.09 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 272 pages
Review
“LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES! is the hilarious antidote to all those serious, earnest books that make you feel like you'll never master parenthood. Deeply irreverent, and surprisingly comforting, this book will resonate with any parent or parent-to-be.” ―Gretchen Rubin, #1 New York Times bestselling author of THE HAPPINESS PROJECT
“There are a lot of pregnancy books out there that purport to be "funny." This book is different in that it's actually hilarious. LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES is the brilliant reply to every fear-inducing baby manual out there. You already screwed up royally by getting pregnant, now do something smart and buy this book.” ―Diablo Cody, Academy Award-winning screenwriter of Juno
“The next time I am invited to a baby shower, LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES! is what I'm getting the mom-to-be. Then I'm going to sit in the corner and read it, and it will be the first time in history that someone has had a howling good time at a baby shower. I love this book unconditionally. Brilliant, funny, fabulous. Every pregnant human being should have a copy.” ―Mary Roach, New York Times bestselling author of STIFF, BONK, SPOOK, and PACKING FOR MARS
“Please read this book while wearing an adult diaper, because you will laugh very, very hard.” ―Susan Orlean, New York Times bestselling author and staff writer for The New Yorker
“An outrageously humorous, over-the-top guide to surviving pregnancy and child-rearing.
What's the most important thing women need in order to prepare for a new baby? According to the debut book by mommy bloggers Bradley and Kennedy, it's not formula, blankets or even a car seat. Come prepared with a sense of humor. Through absurd anecdotes, lists, charts and pictures, the authors satirize typical pregnancy handbooks in a comically ironic and often bawdy manner. Despite the inclusion of much useful scientific data, readers will more likely be drawn to the insight the authors have gained on the front lines of parenthood. There's advice for readers looking to throw a baby shower that will make friends suffer as much as the expectant mother; a World War II theme should do the trick. Ever wonder how to choose a baby name that fosters a desired trait? Macarena is a great choice for future dancers. With uncensored humor and honesty, Bradley and Kennedy provide future moms with comforting tips on how to cope with the appalling terrors of pregnancy, including how to satisfy the urge to vomit in public, deal with annoying family members and strangers and avoid insanity during bed rest. The authors show how laughter can be the most effective remedy to assuage the panic that often accompanies pregnancy.
A refreshingly unorthodox approach to a subject typically portrayed in a sappy, sentimental fashion.” ―Kirkus
About the Author
Alice Bradley writes the award-winning blog Finslippy (www.finslippy.com). Her work has been featured in numerous anthologies, magazines and websites, including The Best Creative Nonfiction, Vol. 2, Redbook, Nerve, The Sun, The Onion News Network, and Fence. She was nominated in 2009 for a Pushcart Prize in nonfiction. Alice lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband, son, dog, and cat.
Eden M. Kennedy is the author of the web site Fussy.org, which was celebrated as one of the top ten parenting blogs by the Wall Street Journal. She has been featured in The San Francisco Chronicle, The New York Times, and on the BBC, and her work has appeared in several anthologies. A former bookseller and magazine editor, she lives with her family in Southern California.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Part ITHE SWELLING
1. IT SEEMS THAT YOU ARE PREGNANTGreetings, woman. You are gloriously full with child, living proof of the miracle of creation, or else you wouldn’t be reading this. Unless you’re just curious. Or you’re a man, and you have some sort of fetish. Well, as long as you paid for the book and are not soiling it in a dim corner of your local bookstore, we’re okay with that.But let us return to you, the reader who is actually, validly pregnant, and not at all some moist-palmed pervert. Our first question is: Are you sure you’re pregnant?It’s a little-known fact that 83 percent of people who believe they’re pregnant are not; of those people, 47 percent stuffed an embroidered keepsake pillow under their shirt to see how it would look. The remaining 59 percent are merely confused about how The Secret works. And for good reason! A strong desire to manifest the symptoms of pregnancy can result in all sorts of misleading indicators. Vomiting, fatigue, bloating, cessation of one’s period: sounds like a normal day at our house! So how is a woman to know?
What You Might Be Instead of Pregnant
Not-pregnant
Hysterical
Recovering from a plate of bad clams
A snake that recently swallowed a full-grown ewe
Pumpkin costume!
Unable to button your pants
Nurturing an eight-pound subcutaneous grapefruit
A man
Only with professional confirmation! But maybe not even then! So-called “blood tests” and “urine-sampling kits” are (probably) no more than a thinly veiled excuse for necromancy. No one knows what doctors actually do with your blood and/or urine or whatever other fluid they demand from you that day. We suspect they shut the door, bury your sample beneath the floorboards, and leap into a mountain of that day’s copayment fees.And yet their “tests” are the only ones that hold up under legal scrutiny, so we must grit our teeth and soldier on.Here are some ways you may have validly discovered that you were actually pregnant and not imagining things: • Multiple positive at-home pregnancy tests• Positive blood test using blood taken from your very own arm• Doctor shakes you and demands that you maintain eye contact while he tells you you’re pregnant• Everyone’s congratulating you, and not in a sarcastic way• You’re standing in a bookstore, reading this book (What are you waiting for? GO TO THE CASH REGISTER.)• You bought this book while holding your positive pregnancy test in one hand (We don’t think that’s the least bit strange.)• Your doctor’s lawyer sends you a letter confirming your pregnancy and asking that you not call his office anymore (Or was it all just a dream?)• Swelling of torso increases weekly until baby falls out (Or have you been hiding someone else’s baby in your underpants?)BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?There’s no getting around it: you did it with someone. Don’t look away from us, or ask what “it” is. You know. We all know. You’re just making this harder on yourself.In order for pregnancy to occur, someone’s sperm had to get up inside you. This may be a little more technical than we need to get, but specifically, it went up your vagina and traveled into your uterus where an egg was waiting to be fertilized, yearning and yearning for a blissful commingling with its partner-to-be. And lo, life was created.
Other Fluids They May Demand from You1. Sweat2. Earwax3. Cry into this vial!
Here are a few examples of how pregnancy might have occurred. Check off which ones might apply to you!• Pleasant bout of lovemaking with your partner• Hot quickie in a bathroom stall of an Outback Steakhouse• Furtive congress in the backseat of a Honda Accord with your ex-boyfriend• Joyless, obligatory coition with your long-time spouse• Professional insemination by a trained authority• Unsanitary and off-label use of a turkey baster by your lady friend• Bizarre sex dream about your old social studies teacher turned out to actually have happenedDid you know? Some people still believe that you can get pregnant without being directly inseminated. Crazy fools! Here are some examples of what will never, ever work: • Wading in a swimming pool after the high-school boy’s swim team finished a race • Wearing one of those T-shirts that says FETUS across the chest, with an arrow pointing down• Hanging out with those cheap sluts you call “friends”• Disturbing a forest gnome’s century-long slumber (unless he is actually just a very tiny man and he woke up because you were having sex with him)• Nuzzling Vince Vaughn’s forehead and/or elbow crook (note: this may actually work)HOW YOU FEELHaving discovered life stirring inside, you may have any number of reactions. Beatific smiles are common, as are tears of joy, or leaping about the woods singing traditional hymns while hunting for small, delicious animals to sacrifice to your god(s). Or maybe you’re just sitting there, reading this book while your ankles swell.On the other hand, we have to face the possibility that you weren’t trying to get pregnant at all. Perhaps you’re entering the first flush of menopause and you assumed it was too late to get pregnant. (Surprise!) Or you thought you were too young to start a family, but now that boyfriend of yours seems awfully pumped about this whole baby deal, which is weird because you’re barely out of school and is it just because he can’t get over how God made his semen so powerful that it broke through the condom?It’s important to know that what you’re feeling is entirely normal and correct. But is it? Not necessarily.Here is a guide to the emotions you should be having.TABLE 1.1 APPROPRIATE EMOTIONS REGARDING PREGNANCYNo matter what you’re feeling, you’re pregnant now, and if you’re reading this book you’re in it for the long haul. So let’s wipe away those tears and other effluents and move on, shall we?HOW NOT TO SCREW UPPregnancy is a strange and bloated time, but more important, it’s a time when every single one of your decisions will leave an indelible and unmistakable imprint on your baby forever. Every decision you make from now on, even the tiniest choices, will be of the utmost importance. Scared yet? If you’re not, you must be drunk. (You need to cut that out, by the way.) The pressure is on now, almost-mother! Fortunately, you’ve got this book, so at least you’re on the right track no matter how many mistakes you’ve made in the past. And we’re sure there were many.TIPS FOR THE FIRST MONTHNow that you’re pregnant, it’s time to straighten up and fly right. Throw out your junk food, pack away those cigarettes, seal up the uranium mine in your basement, and purchase some sensible, crotched underpants.WHAT TO AVOIDLead-based paint. If you own a home or enter any structure built before 1978, you’re exposing your precious fetus to the deadly lead-filled paint that was slathered on the walls and ceilings in more ignorant times. If you think there’s even the slightest chance of lead being anywhere near you, it’s your responsibility to get rid of it. Purchase a power sander and get to work! Just release all that lead into the air and let it drift back down and settle into the earth where it belongs. There’s no need to interrupt this beautiful, natural process.
Cats. Cats are a known spreader of trichinosis, due to their love of raw pork. Trichinosis is a fatal disease that will turn you fat and hairless before it kill you. And cats aren’t just dangerous for their disease-carrying: they have sharp claws and teeth; they can navigate in the dark using a complex navigation head-system they call “whiskers,” thus giving them an advantage during blackouts; and the only flesh they enjoy feasting on more than pig is newborn babies. People who are foolish enough to harbor cats do so at their own peril! Now that you’ve got a baby on board, however, you’re petting for two.Eye contact with cats. Cats will suck the burgeoning life right out of you, using their infamous feline mind-powers. Avert your eyes, and move along.
Recreational X-rays. There’s no doubt that seeing what your insides are up to is good fun, but in the end, your poor fetal intruder is going to resent being saturated with massive doses of radiation. So as much as you think you might have a hairline crack in your pelvis that your Facebook friends just have to see, you might want to exert a little something called “self-control.”
Endless night-trolling for anonymous sex down by the docks....
Most helpful customer reviews
74 of 82 people found the following review helpful.
I LOL'd! A LOT!
By Caissie L. Stonge
I am a mother of two growing young men, and that has caused me to be crotchety toward the things that young people do. One thing that I am especially given to crotchets about is the use of the acronym LOL. I don't hate laughing, mind, and I certainly don't expect anyone to laugh silently. Laughing out loud is great! I just don't love LOL.
And yet, I have found myself LOLing every time I open this book. And everyone in my family is LOLing every time they open this book, including my 11-year-old and 8-year-old sons. Everyone where I work LOL'd when they stole it off my desk to read when they were supposed to be working and you should ask before you put your dirty paws all over someone else's brand new book, Megan!* My point is that, despite how much I hate LOL, I wouldn't be able to describe how much laughing out loud this book has been providing everyone around me without using that very shorthand. So, there you go.
Here's why I love it. A hundred years ago when I first saw that little blue line on that urine-soaked stick (which I then jumped around, waving in the air. Gross!) I ran right out and bought a certain book about what a woman should expect when she is expecting a certain thing. The certain thing is a baby. Well, I sat right down and devoured that book, and when I was through...I was afraid to move. Or eat. Or think too much. When I finally got over the trauma, I told my husband that vaunted tome should really be called, "1,000 Things to Be Paranoid About Over the Next Nine Months. HA HA, You Should See How Crazy Your Eyes Look Right Now!" I picked it up with a pair of tongs and tossed it in a box never to be seen again. Clearly, these two women understand the way I felt back then. They get me. They get you too. And this book is the answer to any pregnancy and parenthood guide out there that will try to convince you that you might have toxoplasmosis from a partial granule of cat litter that your husband tracked near you on the bottom of his shoe and which somehow got into your eye.
If you are looking to have a baby or you're looking to install a baby in someone, if you've recently had a baby or watched while the special lady in your life did all the work, this book is for you. I wish I'd had this before I got pregnant. I'm glad I have it now. And if you're currently pregnant, don't worry, this book will not cause you to laugh your fetus right out of you, because that's not scientifically possible. But you will probably tinkle your maternity pants. Which you're going to do anyway, so might as well have fun doing it!
*Her real name. And to be fair to Megan, she immediately ordered two copies of the book - one for herself and one for a shower gift - as soon as I pried her grubby mitts off of mine.
22 of 24 people found the following review helpful.
Mommy Humor
By SW
I'm a fan of Alice Bradley's mommy blog, finslippy, and "Lets Panic About Babies," is comfortably within her wheelhouse of parenting stories told with great humor and occasionally touching emotional depth. I wasn't previously familiar with Bradley's co-author's work, but the two seem to work well together.
This is not a mothering guide, but a humor book--a SPOOF on parenting books if the baby's laser eyes didn't tip you off--with lots of mothering anecdotes, in essay chapter form, that just about anyone who has ever given birth, or is about to, can relate to. As mom to an "active" three-year-old, some of the stories had me laughing out loud and I was frequently shaking my head saying, 'Yep, I can relate to that.'
The authors' sense of humor trends towards the acerbic and sarcastic, which suit me fine, but may not be everyone's style.
13 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
You will pee your pants laughing, especially if you are in your fifth month and your giant uterus is pressing on your bladder
By person
I've never written an online review of anything, but this book is so outrageously hilarious and fills such a valuable role in the literature of pregnancy, I was moved to say something -- to let other women know that reading Let's Panic About Babies! will not only make you weep with laughter but may also even, in a small but significant way, if it catches you at the right moment, change your life.
For some women, pregnancy is a beautiful, sacred, magical thing. For others, it's a little more complicated than that -- words such as alarming, bizarre, terrifying, mystifying, dread-inspiring, really freaking weird, grotesque, and horror show (ok, that's a phrase) come to mind. When I first stumbled on this book, I was about two months pregnant and, for a variety of reasons, feeling distressed to the point of in denial about the whole thing. I could barely bring myself to tell my mother the good news, let alone crack any of those standard volumes that whisper in breathy tones about the fecund female bliss you're supposed to be experiencing. (Keep in mind, I wasn't, like, 17 and single; I was, and am, 39 and engaged and doing this by choice.) I felt lost, unmoored, unable or afraid to articulate my true, socially unacceptable thoughts and emotions about having a muffin in the oven.
Then one night, perusing the Staff Picks rack at Powell's, I saw Let's Panic About Babies! and started flipping through it. Suddenly--maybe it was the photo of the seahorse, depicting "your baby!" at one month, that did it--I found myself helplessly cracking up. This was wrong. One was not supposed to crack up about pregnancy. Pregnancy is serious and sacred and too shameful to be written about except on pages of books with pink covers and titles with words like "Within" and "Pregnancy". But I was cracking up, and it felt so good.
I read for a few more minutes, choking down tears, then placed the book back on the shelf to hunt for what I came for, a novel. But on the way to the Literature section, I found myself giggling out loud. Embarrassingly loud. On the way back toward the cash register, I think I actually stumbled from a sudden fit of mirth and had to catch myself against a table. I detoured to the Staff Picks rack, grabbed the book, took it home (I mean, I bought it first), and read it while literally sobbing with laughter, sure my roommate was thinking I'd gone insane, until I went to sleep.
I think reading this book was the first step toward, sorry to put it bluntly, accepting the reality of what I'd gotten myself into, starting to feel okay about it and, just as important, starting to feel okay about my ambivalent feelings. Now I'm almost through my second trimester, and not at all afraid to go out in public with my weird, distended, alien-colonized belly. Not that I've finished reading the book. I got ahead of schedule--read all the way through the chapters covering the fifth month--then forced myself to put it down. I just picked it back up again, and immediately dissolved back into hysterics--maybe it was the suggestion to wear a clown suit to accentuate one's ridiculous appearance. This time I was laughing a little more wheezily--I've slowed down a lot--and, as noted in the review title, with bursts of urine intermittently leaking onto my long johns. Now I'm living with my fiance, and he came upstairs to ask if I was ok.
I doubt this book is for everyone, but for some of us, it's essential. I hope it becomes the best-selling classic it deserves to be. Kudos (and thanks) to Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy.
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy PDF
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy EPub
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Doc
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy iBooks
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy rtf
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Mobipocket
Let's Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant Who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Kindle
No comments:
Post a Comment